I find myself wondering about the timing of this message that seems to be weighing on my heart. I wonder about whether the subject is something that needs to be broached and if so what are the consequences. I ponder if enough time has transpired to truly have a good grasp on the questions and the feelings.
I've always considered myself to be the kind of person that what you see is what you get. In no way do I consider myself perfect, in fact quite the opposite, but I have always thought relationships with others are based upon genuine feelings and trust. This however tends to set people up to be disappointed in human nature. Not everyone that we come in contact with will adhere to those same values, and in fact some have mastered just the opposite, which has left me discouraged and disillusioned.
When we're busy dealing with the day-to-day bump and grind we often just go through the motions when it comes to relationships. We respond often times without even putting much thought into the words or the delivery, let alone how they're going to be received. Divided loyalties can put us into a position of having to decide how to behave. When in reality just being honest is always the best.
Having time on your hands gives you time to "evaluate" for lack of a better word, the relationships you felt you maintained over many years. When you don't provide value tangibly it can become apparent that the seeds of those relationships may have been planted very shallowly and the substance of the relationship doesn't appear destined to stand the test of time. It's a confusing conundrum to say the least, not so much because of feelings but rather of wonderment.
How people treated you and how you thought they felt becomes somewhat of a puzzle. I find myself digging deeper into comments, actions, conversations and even some written words and wondering just how naive I may have been when I opened myself up to people.
I'm conducting an experiment of sorts to test out a theory that I have. It seems to me that people always make light of relationships on social media as opposed to real life relationships. I've heard people state that online relationships are shallow and insincere. So far I'm finding that far more of those relationships online feel honest and authentic. Online people have the option to scroll on by if they choose, rather than that which happens in person when sometimes people merely placate you with platitudes. I often wish life came with a crystal ball that allowed us to see others intentions, but that's not how life works and we are accountable to give without having any expectation of anything in return.
If you've gotten to this point in the entry I hope you aren't thinking badly for me, or feeling sad for me because I'm personally not feeling either of those but rather I'm feeling enlightened. I would suspect there maybe some that read this will wonder if it's addressed to them, to which I would say that we each need to search our own hearts and consider daily our personal motivations for actions. I for one am trying to not let this jade me about interpersonal relationships. We're all human and prone to survival of the fittest instincts.
For me, I'm moving into this new stage of life secure in the knowledge that I already have or I am in the process of letting people know how I feel. Some relationships that I've had for decades may go by the wayside but isn't that just part of life. I'm choosing to continue to do things that make others happy and to love others regardless of whether the feelings are mutual. It allows me to wake up every day with hope.
Thanks for taking the time to read this if you've made it all the way to this point.
